Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I mean that metaphorically of course but the point of the matter is that I started off today feeling depressed and moody and just all sorts of feelings that don’t exactly lend a helping hand to a person who is on a journey to a healthier version of themselves, especially when that person (that would be me of course) has a problem with soothing her soul with food.
And I’m not just talking food as in fixing my favorite savory dish for dinner as a special treat to try and perk myself back up. I’m talking about going to the grocery store and stalking up on some food to sooth my wounded heart like a piece of peach pie (in fairness to myself I did only by it by the slice instead of gorging on a whole entire pie or half of a pie), and butter pecan ice cream (it was on sale so I couldn’t resist).
I actually did better then I had planned because at the end of the grocery store trip there was absolutely no chocolate in my cart despite the fact that I had it on my mental list when I left the house. In fact halfway through my grocery store trip I had a bag of chocolate chips cookies that were on sale which I told myself that I was getting mostly for my daughter (not that she needs them either) and I also had a chocolate candy bar in the cart (yes I was in that bad of a mood). I got almost to the cash register and took out the cookies and the candy bar and left myself with the pie and ice cream.
While I realize that I was still doing a bad thing by attempting to make myself feel better with food (which is how I got into this situation where I have a serious weight problem to get under control) I also realized that a couple of years ago I would not have put back those cookies or the candy bar. In fact there would have been so many more decadent unnecessary items in that cart that I would’ve probably enjoyed it as it was going down and felt sick later.
While it may not have seemed completely like it today, I have changed. I have not changed in just the size of my clothes or my body. I have changed in my way of making choices. I know I still probably had no business getting what I got but before I would have gotten so much more and I wouldn’t have even felt guilty about it. And I try to look at it this way, before I didn’t even have the rationality that I could work it off in the morning at the gym, at least now I know that I am going to get on that treadmill in the morning and run that piece of pie and ice cream off. Okay so it might take more than one day, but hey I’m up for the challenge.
The Diary: Succession of Lies (Now Available)
Writing as “Jaycee Durant”