I sometimes wonder, does my weight hold me back
I was thinking yesterday about my weight loss journey and how much size plays a part in people’s lives, mostly in terms of a person’s health. But I was more so thinking about whether or not size really plays a part in the aspect of love. Is my weight the reason that I am not married yet? Is it the reason why the word love is used towards me but the actions are never there to back it up? I mean I would like to think that people would love a person based solely on a person’s heart and their character and personality and the chemistry between two people. I would like to think that but I don’t think I am that naïve anymore.
I remember in high school there was this guy that I was friends with and that I grew to like on a level more than friendship and his actions in many ways demonstrated that he felt the same way. I remember over hearing him tell one of his buddies that he would love to go out with me and date me if I were to lose a little weight (yes my weight problem goes back that far). I was hurt and I was crushed, not just because he said he wouldn’t want to date me, but that he was so shallow and superficial to not date me on the basis of my weight. I know that was high school but things really don’t change that much once people grow into adults.
I hear constantly on these weight loss shows and when these overweight celebrities lose weight that they want to lose weight so they can fall in love because no one is ever going to love them at that size or that they finally found love once they’ve loss the weight. I found myself thinking yesterday if I was to lose weight at a quicker rate somehow, would that enable me to find love faster, or rather find someone who is willing to love me from the inside out. Why is it that a person who is overweight has to lose the weight for people to suddenly see them for who they are? A person is not what they look like and they shouldn’t be treated as if they would be any better of a person if they were to lose weight and all of a sudden look more appealing to the eye.
Now I started this weight loss journey because I wanted to be healthier and I want to make sure that I am around for a very long time for my daughter, but I can admit that I would like to look really hot in a dress or wear certain clothes that they seem to only make for a certain size woman. However, this journey is showing me more and more that I am beautiful, both inside and out, but also that I wouldn’t want someone who was only coming around because I suddenly loss weight. I wouldn’t want someone to just start showing their love for me because I look a certain way. If they can’t love me from the inside first then why would I want anything to do with them?
I wonder about all of these celebrities and people on weight loss shows that suddenly find love after the fact of them losing weight. What if they were to gain any of that weight back or, heaven forbid, all of it? Would that person still stay there? Would they somehow find a reason that the relationship isn’t working out? I don’t like the phrase that beauty is only skin deep because I think that beauty goes so much deeper than the surface of our skin. We are what is inside our hearts, not the circumference of our bodies. Until next time…Instead of waiting for someone else that can love the skin you are in, love the person you are underneath the surface of your own skin!
The Diary: Succession of Lies (Now Available)
Writing as “Jaycee Durant”