Fat Girl Confession # 17

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I confess…sometimes I revisit the old me 

Okay so I have taken an unannounced two week break from the gym.  If you remember in my last post I acknowledged the fact that I was not listening to my body when it told me I was doing too much and I just kept going.  You may also remember that I was hoping to have all of the answers of how to balance what my body says and what my mind says before it was too late.  Well let me tell you that the unannounced break from the gym was because it had become too late.  I woke up on a Friday morning with my right leg in such pain, right around where the knee and calf connect, and it was stiff and hard to bend or stand up straight.  And yes I still went to the gym on Friday and while I did not walk two miles on the treadmill I did recklessly decide to walk one mile.  I say recklessly because I knew that I shouldn’t have.  I knew that what I should have done when I felt that pain in my leg was stay home.  

Needless to say I had no choice but to get the message because once that weekend had passed, even after soaking it, icing it, and putting a heating pad on it, my leg had gotten increasingly worse.  It was painful just to walk up or down the steps.  I have no idea what happened to my leg but I knew that I needed to listen to my body this time before this problem grew more serious.  Now it has been one week and three days since I have last been to the gym and although I know that this is really probably just a figment of my imagination I feel like I am growing fatter by the day the longer I stay out of the gym.  Fatter then I already still am.  I feel guilty and I feel like I should just brave through the pain and go back but I know better.  My leg is better then it was two weeks ago but for some reason it still doesn’t feel like it is completely ready and I have already decided not to go back until next week but I am wondering if it is even going to feel any better by then.  And if it doesn’t feel better (and by better I mean good enough for me to walk up and down steps without wincing in pain or able to straighten out my leg without pain) do I just suck it up and go anyway?  I don’t know what to do here.  

I mean you hear people all the time talking about working through the pain and pushing past it but then again I don’t think those people have this heavy a load (of fat) to carry around with them day in and day out.  The sad truth is that there are some days, just some, where I miss the old me.  Not necessarily the part of being overly large but the me who did not have to experience this many aches and pains of trying to get the fat off.  I mean you hear stories all the time of people who are incredibly overweight or obese who experience pain all over at some point due to the amount of weight they are carrying around.  I however was one of those overweight people who did not experience the pains, now the troubles breathing came much later and closer to my revelation of needing to lose weight, but the aches and pains were never an issue.  Granted I know that it probably would’ve become an issue later on but I find it funny that I didn’t start having pains in my legs and in my arms , or knees, until I started exercising in the gym all the time.  The guys in the gym would say that it was because I was awakening muscles that had never been used before but damn it sometimes I just wish they had stayed asleep.  

But I said that only some days I miss the old me, the me who didn’t have all of these aches and pains from over exercising and doing things I didn’t even know I could do.  The other days I am happy that I can do those things that I never knew I could do and I am happy that I can walk up flights of steps without any pain (excluding the last two weeks) and without panting as if I had just ran a marathon.  I like that I can play around with my daughter and actually keep up with her and not get tired.  I guess we all have our days where even when we know that the changes that we are making is for the greater good we still might miss a few bits and pieces of the old us.  The trick is to not get caught up in the reminiscing of the old us so that we can continue the transformation into the new us.  Until next time…enjoy your transformation!!!

 

Jimmetta Carpenter

Writer/Editor

The Diary: Succession of Lies (Now Available)

Writing as “Jaycee Durant”

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