I confess…I may be getting in my own way, therefore losing the battle!!!
I do not do a good job of listening to my body. I am on the treadmill, determined to complete my two miles, regardless of my legs feeling like jello and feeling as if they are going to collapse underneath me. I jog off and on even though I feel the pain in my knee and foot increasing by the second. I walk briskly even though I know I just felt a sharp pain in my knee and a cramp in my leg which caused me to pause the treadmill for a second, but I stay on anyway. I hear the person on the treadmill next to me telling me that I do enough throughout the week, I can slack off for one day because they can see the pain in my face as I continue to walk on, or jog, tuning out their words of experienced advise.
All I can hear in my mind is that if I stop this treadmill before I finish the two miles I set out to do then I am a quitter. I get the feeling that since I am failing at so many other things in my life, surely I can’t fail at this too. I tell myself and my body that I can do this all the while my body is giving me every sign it can possibly throw out there to tell me no I can’t do this, at least not today. There are days when I have to take a break because I literally can’t move my leg (not enough to get on a treadmill) all because I pushed myself past the point of what my body could do the day before, but then after resting a day I go back in the gym and I do it again, knowing I am not ready. I know in my mind that I should listen to my body but I just can’t seem to get that little nagging voice that is in the back part of my brain that says if I listen to my body then I am quitting, I am failing at yet another thing. It says you can’t afford to fail at anything else.
I think that is the insecure part of me who just has to overcompensate for things in one area that I am not fulfilling in other areas. Honestly I have to wonder, if my career aspirations were being completely met on every single level that I want them to be met on, would I be killing myself (literally) to lose weight. I mean sure it would still be an extremely important goal that I absolutely have to accomplish but would I be ignoring every logical part of me that tells me to slow it down a little. Would I be ignoring my body that seems to be crippling under the pressure that I am placing on myself to do things that it might not be up to doing just yet, at least not so much so fast. If I weren’t failing in other areas of my life, would the need for success in this one area be so dramatically dire?
I have to wonder, by placing too much pressure and strain on my body to do things that it has never done in my life and that it may not be completely ready to fully take on just yet, is having the total opposite effect that I need it to have which is me losing all of this weight. Am I am getting in my own way with my weight loss efforts too? Am I condemning myself to fail in this area too, simply because I am so adamantly determined to succeed? That is something that I seriously need to think about because I don’t know the answers to it just yet. But I am going to work hard to answer those questions. Hopefully I’ll have the answers before it is too late for me to start listening to my body. Until next time…Don’t tune out what you know is right!!!
The Diary: Succession of Lies (Now Available)
Writing as “Jaycee Durant”