I have to confess…the mirror is my enemy!!!
I suppose when you have spent the better part of your life being overweight and only just recently have admitted to yourself that there’s a problem that there would be some psychological battles that go on inside your head. Even though people keep telling me that I’m losing weight, literally every week they see me, I still see the same person that started this journey of a lifestyle change. I see the fat girl that I have stared at for so long and I don’t see anything else. Now when I am not looking directly at myself through the mirror’s eyes I can notice little subtle differences like my clothes getting drastically bigger (because I can’t afford any smaller clothes that actually fit), or like the fact that when I get on the treadmill I am not as wide across as I was the first day that I ever stepped on one. I notice that even though I’ve never eaten incredibly large portions within my meals, I am eating even less now so I guess my stomach is shrinking. I sometimes notice that my fingers are smaller because my rings are looser and my shirts are falling lower and lower on me because I suppose that I am losing weight up top too. The problem is that all of those subtle differences don’t seem to exist when I look in the mirror. I look in the mirror and I see the girl who has always been fat and at times undesirable, the girl who guys would always say is pretty and that they would go out with if I lost a little bit of weight. I see the girl whose mother told her that because of her weight she would never be good enough for anyone and that no one would ever want her. I see a lot of things when I look in the mirror and most of them aren’t positive. I know that it is nobody’s issue but mine and I need to get past it at some point but I’m just not there yet. I can’t seem to understand why people don’t get that. People look at me crazy or just say I’m crazy for not seeing what they see but they have to understand that they haven’t dealt with this problem, this body for most of their childhood and all of their adulthood. I’m just not there yet. But then I suppose that’s the other problem I have. Trying to make others get why I am feeling what I am feeling takes too much time and that is time away from the purpose of this whole lifestyle change. I would love to say that I am over the absolute love and comfort that I find in food. I would love to say that when I get upset or depressed that I don’t still turn to food to fill some type of void. It’s still a problem and I know this but I also know that it is worth the struggle to one day be able to see what other people see when they look at me, when I look in the mirror at myself. Until next time…don’t shy away from the mirror!!!
The Diary: Succession of Lies (Now Available)
Writing as “Jaycee Durant”