I have to confess…. I do hold grudges.
A large part of the reason that I gained all of the weight that I have over the course of my life is because I have mama issues. Yes I know that at the age of 29, soon to be 30, I should be way over it. She definitely thinks that I should be over it. Everyone thinks that I should be over it. Truthfully it is a lot easier said than done to do that. I suppose the reason that my mother did so much damage to my self-esteem and my confidence levels is because she never really instilled any in me. Not only did she physically abuse me because I reminded her of my father who she was no longer with, but aside from that she emotionally, and mentally abused me. To her I was never good enough, and to her I would never be good enough. She thought I was ugly and when I started picking up weight, then of course she constantly called me fat and made sure that I felt that no one would ever want me because I was fat. I can’t really remember one time where she has ever said anything to me that was good without there being a but at the end of her sentence. I am a grown woman now and logically I know that I shouldn’t care what my mother thinks about me or ever thought about me but it matters. It matters when your own mother doesn’t think anything of you and when she can only see you as a mistake. Now what does this have to do with my weight loss you might ask? Well self-esteem plays a huge part on a person’s own self image. I think the reason that no matter how hard I work out in the gym and how much weight others are telling me that I am losing, I still can’t see it when I look in the mirror is because I still have my mother in the back of my head telling me that no matter what I do I’m never going to be good enough. I know that is something that I have to get out of my own head but I guess realizing that as being a part of my problem with my addiction with food. There’s a saying that they used to say in elementary school. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words (or names) will never hurt me but the reality is that words do hurt. They hurt a lot. Until next time… let go.
The Diary: Succession of Lies (Release Date TBA)
Writing as “Jaycee Durant”