I have to confess…. I am frustrated with this process
Yes I know that I didn’t put all of this weight on overnight and that it took years upon years for me to wake up and see what I was doing to my own body. I am also not willing to lose the weight by surgical means like others do because I want the satisfaction of knowing that I had the tenacity and dedication to do it naturally. I just want to look as good as I am starting to feel. I am a gym junkie now and I simply can’t get enough of it. It makes me feel good and energized and it, in many ways, empowers me in many other aspects of my life. But when I look in the mirror I just see the same fat girl from when I started this journey. Now theoretically I know that I have lost a huge amount of weight and my clothes, most of them anyway, don’t even fit me right anymore because they hang off of me. I have also been told by many others that they are seeing such a huge difference and great improvements in my decrease in size. Truth be told, there are little moments where I walk past the mirror and for a split second I see it too. I just wish I could see it all of the time. People in general tend to be their own worst critics but I am really hard on myself a lot of the time. Right now I am feeling, at times, like I am pushing myself too much in the gym yet at the same time I feel like I am not doing enough. I guess I just have to be more patient, which is still an attribute that I am constantly working on. Well I’m not willing to quit or give up (those words aren’t even in my vocabulary) so I have no choice but to keep pushing through. Maybe this is just one of those bad days. Well that only means the good days are coming. Until next time… stay diligent.
The Diary: Succession of Lies (Release Date TBA)
Writing as “Jaycee Durant”