I must confess that though I have said that it didn’t, the size I am does matter.
No matter what some fat or overweight women may say to somehow cope with the fact that they are overweight and that they have done this to themselves….size does matter. I was a size 28 in some clothes and a 3X in others when I started this journey to finally loose all of this weight that I have been carrying. And now after reluctantly going to try on clothes to actually see what size I now wear, I am actually very proud that I can now fit in a 22-24 and a 2X. Now it may not seem like much of a change and it is certainly not my end goal but I am very happy to finally see some results for myself. It’s not as if people don’t tell me that I am losing weight and every now and then I can see little subtle differences in my body or a piece of clothing hangs on my body but having always seen a fat girl when I looked in a mirror, it’s hard not to still see that same old fat girl when I look in the mirror now.
They say it’s all in your mind but for the better part of my life I have had it in my mind that I was always going to be that fat girl and that’s just who I was but not anymore. That is not who I want to be anymore and that is why I am pushing so hard to make this change for myself. I can honestly say that with all of the dieting that I have done over the years with much failure that I did have a small voice in the back of my head that said that I was going to fail this time too. But I think that the problem before was that I was trying to loose weight for all of the wrong reasons. I kept telling myself that I was happy with who I was and I was only trying to lose the weight for everyone else. To my mother I was trying to be the thin daughter that she wanted me to be and I was trying to please the boys/men out there who always said “she’s pretty and I would date her if she would lose a little more weight”. I wanted to lose the weight for everyone but myself.
This time was different. I stopped trying to convince myself that I was happy with the way I was and admitted that I wasn’t and that I was unhealthy and when I could admit that to myself and see myself for who I really had become and how unhealthy I had become I could finally take that step and do it for me. I want to be around for my daughter and I want to be able to play with her without getting winded in two minutes and I know what I need to do to get to that point and I am determined to do it come hell or high water.
Now I am not going to lie, it has been hard. There have been times when I have slipped in my diet. I lost the first hundred pounds and I sometimes thought I could indulge in a few of my old habits without harm. But I have surprisingly managed to consistently go to the gym Monday through Friday for two hours every morning and have been determined about it. I actually love the gym now and can not imagine not working out. I was told by several guys at the gym that even though the weight does matter, it’s the size that really shows you your progress. It’s in the way your clothes feel on you that you can tell that you are actually doing something. So no matter what some people might say the number does say a lot. Until next week….Size it up!!!
“The Diary: Succession of Lies” (Release Date To Be Announced)
Writing as “Jaycee Durant”