I honestly do not remember not being a fat girl, or “pleasantly plump” as some might call it to try and be nice. If I didn’t have the pictures of myself from kindergarten to the fourth grade when I apparently started to gain weight, I wouldn’t believe that I was at some point in my life skinny. It is strange that I do not remember much of my childhood and I don’t have an explanation for the lack of memory. I don’t even remember my father and my mother did not leave him until I was eight years old and according to my sister he came to visit us when I was thirteen but I have no recollection of this. If I didn’t have the pictures of my father I wouldn’t even remember what he looked like. I remember things that happened at school when I was younger but not things that happened early on in the home, at least not anything before I was thirteen when the abuse from my mom became almost predictable. Perhaps that is where my love for food came in. I used food as many things. It was like the security blanket that Linus carried around on Charlie Brown. It was there when I was hurt from the abuse, it was there when I didn’t feel loved, it was there when I felt depressed from the lack of love that I received, it was there when I was bored and wasn’t allowed to go out the house, and it was there to fill the void of the father that I never even got a chance to really know. Food has been my comfort, my crutch, and my nemesis all rolled into one.
Well since January of this year I have been on a mission to work my hardest to loose all of this weight that I have accumulated over the last nineteen years. Not just for myself, than I have to do it for my daughter because I am really the only person that she has to count on. It got to a point where I couldn’t even walk up one flight of stairs without having to take a break in between flights, and since I lived on the third floor it was getting tiresome quickly. I had never realized just how out of shape I was. Then I got on a scale, and although I hate revealing my weight at any stage of this process, and it said 374 lbs. I happened to be in a dick’s sporting goods store looking into getting exercise equipment and I literally broke down crying in front of the sales guy. At that point there was no choice. I was one step away from a heart attack and I could not let that happen. I couldn’t even fathom leaving my baby girl without a mother.
That was in January and now it is October 1st and although I have not weighed myself in a while, the last count was that I had weighed in at 250lbs by July. I’ve even lost more weight since then but I think that due to the strain my weight most likely put on the scale because I weighed myself weekly, my scale is now not operating correctly. I still have a long way to go because the weight, although still coming off, is coming off slower than before but I have realized that it is not about dieting and starving yourself or taking weight loss pills or remedies. It is a lifestyle change that you have to make. Before I couldn’t even bear the thought of going into the gym and now it is a part of my daily routine from Monday through Friday. I am in the gym by 7:30, 7:45 at the latest and I usually do not leave until about 9:30. I have gone to the gym five days a week since April 1st of this year and have only missed 2 days because I was moving. I have remained diligent and persistent. I have my moments when I don’t think that I’m doing enough because I don’t see what other people see but I keep pushing. I have also changed the way I eat and what I cook with as well. As I said it is a lifestyle change. But I know that a part of this lifestyle change has to be working through issues of my past and why I developed such a love or comforting feeling in food in the first place. There are some issues that I don’t really like to think about that probably contributed to this battle that I have had with my weight as well. The things about changing things about your lifestyle is that it involves digging deep inside yourself and finding the little parts of you that you may have never wanted anyone to see, and exposing that part of you to the rest of the world, or at least to the you that you look at when you stare in the mirror. Until next week…Dig Deeper.
“The Diary: Succession of Lies” (Release Date To Be Announced)
Writing as “Jaycee Durant”